Happy Roots

I was consistently hurting as a child which continued into my adult life. Childhood carried with it all the frustrations and growing pains of parental care. It would take a long time for understanding to be in front of my actions. In fact, even with the awareness of ‘A Creator’ there would be many years of more and more entries into situations to support how strength comes directly from being vulnerable.

Once hooked by numbness and the absence of feeling good, I found myself searching for a moment in the past that would truly feel the way I had imagined a loving feeling. All the adversities of life had overwhelmed me and taken away my ability to decipher one feeling from another. They had become all the same. My brain new goodness and sadness… my feelings were stricken with a pain that was stuck in neutral. Knowing this can happen keeps you as vulnerable as the day you are born.

With a lot of pondering I came up with a feeling that might help me experience what I imagined love to ‘feel’. It was the miracle of birth. When I had my children, what started out to be painful turned into an intense effort to produce a little miracle. With my baby lying on my tummy, the accomplished effort was more than I could compare to anything else. A complete feeling, a feeling of everything in the world being so elevated at that moment. So, when all seems lost and just plain gone, this is what saved me. I was completely lost to find what completes the cycle. Even though, at the time of the birth of my children the fleeting feeling which saved me later in life, was not something I could hold and I did not even consider the possibility.

However, after retrieving the feeling in a desperate moment I took great caution to understand what it was and how it was created. So, I believe, dogmatically, that we are here to learn to know that everything has been put here for us and it is perfect. Diversity is here to celebrate. It has become important for me to share rather than give my ‘self’ away as a gift. I suppose that it is what is meant by feeling ‘gifted’.