Goodbye My Friend!

I awoke in the mid morning hours persisting to compare feelings from previous realizations and those circumstances driving their weaknesses and strengths. As a young girl going into my life with the realization of the vastness of order… it was not there to protect me because it was in my mind, not my heart. I entered my adult life vulnerable, alone, without direction, and full of fear anyway. My survival technique was to walk into the face of fear in order that I may be able to ‘survive’ anything which would come my way. I became so intimate with fear, we were inseparable. Finally, I came upon a wall with no way out and lost everything. I lost my fight, I lost my ‘things’, I lost all understanding and it felt so good. The purity, the emptiness felt light and loving. I was drawn to my neighbor and dear friend going through a loss off his own and we sat together, listened, and gave each other support. Love beget love.

I held on to a purity, a purity I had not experienced since I was 12. My first realization was so fleeting, but this one lasted years. Walking into the world again, I felt pressure and my old friend ‘fear’ was there waiting. Where was he all this time? I did not know. This had been my longest and most familiar relationship in my life. I was unable to define fear outside myself. I suppose he is always there ready to sabotage newness.

Last night as I reflected on these special moments and realizing fear had returned to bring me home, it came to me that I had not ever trusted he was gone! I was only experiencing realizations that allowed their presence and allowed me the experience with fear and being without him. Now that I have felt what makes the difference in him being there or not, I can…and will be where I need to be and not be careless. I mention fear as an ‘it’ and a ‘him’ because it is an emotion, yet, to me, it has been a relationship. The realization I have now is that ,”I am not fear”, the deepest part of me is pure, good, and loving. I am face to face with my old friend fear and saying good-bye. We shake hands and I tell him, “I will miss the solace in your sympathy no more.”

I was born as a twin with fear and we have lived as one. To you he may just be one of your many emotions…to me he was everything! He was there at birth as the fear of abandonment, he was there to motivate me and give me courage…he kept me alive in my ignorance. Today I see something new. His gift of survival and motivation of courage bears an offspring of ‘faith’. Now that we have survived one another, Faith must do it without us and fly free. Motivating me now is the seed to share and courage to free how I see and feel.