One Great Big Day

I see my ‘self’ living life…but not one day at a time…just a flow of atoms with a place to go, but I don’t know where that place is. I haven’t always seen life this way. It started after a life of losing everything over and over again.

You see, I thought since I hurt as a child it was my duty to hide that and be sympathetic to others who are hurting. I believe, in a way, this was true, but as I grew up a little at a time (and ever so slowly) my perspectives grew with me like a gentle wind carressing Springtime. As the hurt grew and the pain for others grew I came to challenge that which was defeating my life.

As I saw my acceptance of life being painful challenged by not having life at all, I began to realize there was a plan, a process to earn life’s love. I began to see that seeing pain first thing as a child makes you think life as punitive, demanding and tempermental…not concerned with your growing but what it can get from you. I began to challenge my ‘self’ and ask that I understand. I wanted to suddenly understand where the pain came from and what it wanted.

Each time I understood something, a door would open. Life would send me a piece of joy, but only for the moments I understood. As soon as I would slip into victimization, I would be back in my original pit of pain and suffering. I have been determined…and 57 years later I was given freedom to know myself and why I am here. Life has truly loved me, but only because I loved it first.