The Portal

Been having a tug of war with fear and faith recently. In 2009 when I began Effervescent Moments with my very dear and close friend, I had walked through a pile of emotions and clutter that opened my door to feel Spirit from within. It was the first time I had not seen Spirit ‘outside’ of my being. I used to say, “I had Spirit in my back pocket.” When I was a child I had an awakening to Spirit through nature. I was alone looking up at the sky in the twilight evening hours, with trees blowing and the rushing experience of realizing my parents had not created the world… there was a Creator. This realization soared me to a height of clarity and purity that lifted me off the ground with lightness and freedom. Then…I went back into my house. It was not ever to be brought up in conversation and subjected to laughter, so I, “Put Spirit in my back pocket.” After experiencing many circumstances, in spite of my fears, I felt as if I would simply survive it all in whatever way possible. In 2009 I detached from my circumstances and soared once again, bringing Spirit out into the forefront of my life, not realizing my dual prospective. It’s funny how easy it is to label an inner conflict as a reaction to a present circumstance and not realize the repetition of it can be resolved through love and understanding. Another funny thing is that the love and understanding must start with life itself and not you or anyone else. Go figure.Today, fear and faith are battling inside me. I don’t like the discomfort I am having with life, yet I know it has to be addressed with loving kindness. Early in the morning when my body wakes up from the rest of night, faith comforts me with a blanketing effect of warm okayness and the knowing Spirit will place me where I need to be. This feels good. When I go about my day I think, “I am old… I will be respectfully rejected by others…It does not matter to anyone about ‘Effervescent Moments’…Then the evening comes to rescue me and again places me in the loving arms of faith.

In reviewing this battle of emotion, I can see that this particular battle is different from the last. The last portal was to walk through weakness and bear strength. This battle is to combine the two and embrace a non- discriminating acceptance of expression to be however Spirit unfolds, being the absolute allowing creation through this human vehicle. Why am I addressing it in this way? In the last portal there was a lot of clutter from circumstances, one leading to another, and people who were more concerning than life itself. This portal is just me and it…Just fear and faith. I am considering me the ‘faith’ part,’ but I am also the ‘fear’ part. Spirit is omnipresent and there are no exclusions. So, my conclusion is that I have not walked through the fear, only the weakness. I must, therefore accept it as a piece of bark to a tree in order that it may grow beyond itself as it is.

It is necessary for me to write as I am thinking this through in order that I follow this understanding through and not let it belong to a figment of imagination that fleets off into the wind.
Thank You